Why Caring What People Think Makes You Miserable

Arthur Schopenhauer's Wisdom of Life

Once upon a time, in a country far, far away, there lived a king. Above all else, he cared deeply about how he was seen. He married a beautiful wife, not because they shared values or interests, but because she looked good standing next to him.

He governed his country in much the same way. He didn’t necessarily act in his people’s interest; he made decisions that would be applauded (mainly by a group of loyal followers and sycophants). And whenever the applause came, he took it as proof he was doing the right thing.

Concern for other people’s opinions is all too common. While some people live almost entirely for others’ approval, most of us let other people’s opinions influence our life choices. And, on many occasions, that’s a terrible habit, at least as far as philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer is concerned.

Schopenhauer was playing in an entirely different league; he functioned more or less outside the bounds of societal expectations. He didn’t marry, remained childless, and didn’t mingle with the average Joe and Jane. From his solitude, he developed an outsider’s view of human behavior. He became a sole observer of how people, in a quest for happiness, generally chase the wrong things.

What he found was that people’s deep concern with the opinions of others comes with a massive price. He devoted an entire essay to dismantling our obsession with approval and validation.

Let’s explore these writings and find out why, according to Schopenhauer, caring what other people think may actually ruin our lives, and see how his words apply to our modern, daily lives.

The human obsession with approval

Although Arthur Schopenhauer grew up in Danzig (today’s Gdańsk in Poland), he spent his later years in Frankfurt am Main. He lived in a small apartment with his dog, a poodle named Atman, his regular walking companion, and the company he preferred over that of humans. This preference is not unusual: people often enjoy the company of animals more than that of other humans, partly because animals do not judge as people do, which might have been true for Schopenhauer as well.

Even though Schopenhauer was a pessimist, he was nonetheless concerned with human happiness and wrote an essay on the subject, titled The Wisdom of Life. In this short work, Schopenhauer begins with Aristotle’s idea of the blessings of life, which the ancient Greek philosopher divided into three classes: (1) What a man is, which includes health, strength, beauty, temperament, moral character, intelligence, and education. (2) What a man has, which means his property and possessions of any kind. And, (3), how a man stands in the estimation of others, which means what someone is in the eyes of others; “the light in which they regard him,” or the opinion people have of this person.

From Schopenhauer’s viewpoint, these three classes aren’t equal, as he regards the first class (what a man is) as way more important for human happiness than the other ones. Our health, how we think and feel, our morals, and education—aren’t these things fundamental to our happiness? Is it not our attitude toward circumstances, rather than the circumstances themselves, that shapes our sense of contentment and joy?

The second class, property and possessions, matters to Schopenhauer only insofar as it satisfies basic needs; beyond that, it adds little to our happiness. The degree of happiness that property and possessions bring depends on how we see them and how much we need to be content. Someone poor can be very content with what she has, while someone rich can be very unhappy despite her wealth.

The most inferior source of happiness, according to Schopenhauer, is how someone stands in the estimation of others. Reputation, honor, status, and fame; what purpose do they serve but fulfilling a mere desire for praise and approval? How do these things really contribute to human happiness? Still, many people are profoundly concerned with how others see them. He wrote:

“Most men set the utmost value precisely on what other people think, and are more concerned about it than about what goes on in their own consciousness, which is the thing most immediately and directly present to them.”

Quite accurately, Schopenhauer identifies that such people “reverse the natural order.” They regard the opinions of others as “real existence” and their own consciousness (which is what actually counts in terms of happiness) as something “shadowy” and “secondary”. The picture they present to the world becomes more important than their own selves.

Narcissus - Giovanni Antonio Boltraffio

We don’t have to look far to see people’s approval-seeking in action. Young children seek praise from their parents, students from their teachers, and employees from their coworkers and managers. We see people consistently making themselves look more successful, more wealthy, and more visually appealing than they truly are.

Just see the excessive bragging and flexing on LinkedIn, the widespread self-promotion on social media, and the elevator pitches we give about ourselves at social gatherings. The amount of money people spend on the right pair of jeans, the tattoo, the car, the house, just to achieve the image they want to portray (while others are doing exactly the same), shows how much importance we attach to how others see us.

But let’s be honest here. Praise generally feels good. Who doesn’t enjoy a favorable opinion from one’s surroundings, even when it isn’t fully deserved? It gives us the sense that who we are (or what we’ve done) has been seen and acknowledged. We feel accepted, valued, and reassured that our existence has significance. Or as Schopenhauer put it:

“A sweet expression of delight will appear on his face; and even though the praise is a palpable lie, it will be welcome, if the matter is one on which he prides himself.”

Betraying yourself

Some people are more sensitive to praise than others. The fictional king from my story at the beginning of this piece is almost pathologically concerned with how others see him, to the point that his whole existence revolves around it.

When your main goal in life is to be liked, you’ll have to adjust your actions to fit the preferences of other people. And when you succeed, people begin to admire you; some set you as an example. People ask you how you achieved your success, and influencers invite you to their podcasts to talk about it.

But now you have mastered the art of standing high in the estimation of others, does that also mean you’re a happy, authentic, and fulfilled person?

From Schopenhauer’s view, you have subjugated the first two classes, ‘what you are’ and ‘what you have’, to the third class; they have become mere means to an end. You have basically sacrificed yourself for external validation. Schopenhauer calls such an attitude a “slavish regard for what other people will say”.

And so, your life has become a performance. It’s not about who you really are, what you truly stand for, your morals, your interests and passions, your authentic view on life. It’s about showing yourself to the world in ways that gain validation and approval, in spite of who you are. You become what others deem preferable.

You dress a certain way, not because you like it, but because it gains you a higher status in the eyes of others. You follow a certain Netflix series, not because you like the show, but because your peers will like you for watching their favorite show. You’ll go to church every Sunday, not because you value your spiritual life and relationship with God, but because you want people to see you there and think highly of you because of it.

A deep concern with reputation might also influence your relationship with property and possessions. If you didn’t care about what other people think, they would likely serve little more than survival and personal comfort. Once reputation begins to matter, you may buy a house you can barely afford, not out of necessity, but to elevate your status in the eyes of others. You may drive an expensive car not because you need it, or even enjoy it, but simply because you want others to see you in it.

Of course, these expensive status objects don’t come for nothing. Many people work overtime to obtain them, and some even go into debt to do so.

Putting other people’s opinions of you before your own happiness can even influence your choice of partner. Instead of choosing someone based on your own preferences, you choose based on how others perceive you with that person. You no longer choose a person; you choose an image. Calling someone a “trophy wife” reduces her to a status symbol, suggesting that her main purpose is to elevate her husband’s standing (which is the case with the king from my story).

When we calibrate who we are and what we possess for gaining external validation, we may squander our resources, waste our time, give up our inner peace, and, perhaps most importantly, betray ourselves. We become clowns who jump through hoops and set themselves on fire just to appease the audience. And we set others on fire as well, if that serves our case. So, isn’t Schopenhauer right when he calls this human tendency a “peculiar weakness”?

And when we think of it: This praise, this validation, these favorable opinions of ourselves… Are they even worth the trouble?

According to Schopenhauer, they’re a waste of time in most cases. Let’s find out why.

Opinions are overrated

Most people love to be praised. But who’s actually giving the praise? Who are these people we’re seeking approval from? And why should we even care what they think?

In some cases, opinions are valuable. Take, for example, opinions from experts—people who have dedicated their lives to studying the subject in question—can be very useful. And perhaps opinions from the people we care about should also be taken into account, even if only to see where this person stands on subjects we deem important.

But what about rest? What about the abundance of opinions we find everywhere, both online and offline?

There isn’t a shortage of human opinion, that’s for sure. People voice their opinions all the time, everywhere they go. It starts with commenting on the new peanut butter brand at breakfast, then it’s about the neighbor’s ugly dress, then it’s about the new employee with the weird moustache, then about the news, then about yesterday’s news, the weather, and so forth.

When we look online, in YouTube or Facebook comment sections, for example, we encounter millions and millions of people sharing their opinions. And they share them as if they’re the most important, profound pieces of intellectual output humanity has ever produced, stating their opinions as absolute facts, while rejecting the opinions of actual experts. And they do it with pride and defend them as they’d defend their own children.

Schopenhauer didn’t hold back when he criticized people’s opinions, calling them false, erroneous, perverse, and absurd, which, of course, is his opinion. But he explained his opinion by saying that most people’s thoughts are superficial and futile, their ideas narrow, their sentiments mean, which makes their opinions “perverse” and full of error.

Now, isn’t there truth in Schopenhauer’s claims? Isn’t it so that the majority of people who voice their unvarnished opinions hardly know what they’re talking about, and often do so out of anger and a desire to “destroy” their opponents, rather than to have a constructive dialogue?

Schopenhauer also argued that a man speaks with depreciation of his fellow man whenever he’s not obliged to fear him or when he’s not listening. And yes, behavior like this is very common online; we see armies of anonymous trolls who have nothing to fear, as their identities are hidden, saying the most disgusting things. When words have no consequences, people seem to show who they truly are.

Schopenhauer also writes that the greatest of men face repulsion from “half-a-dozen blockheads,” a reminder of how poor most people are at judging. We can also see this today. The most morally bankrupt, half-witted, self-serving crooks get the most admiration, while the goodhearted, wise, and intelligent people are frowned upon and often considered weak.

So, what Schopenhauer was getting at, while walking his poodle and overhearing conversations on the street, is that more often than not, the opinions we deem so important and people like to spread everywhere they go…they suck. They plainly and profoundly suck. They’re often based on gibberish and are rather products of feelings and personal preferences than grounded in facts. Who wants to bend over backwards to a bunch of people who don’t even know what they’re talking about? As the proverb says: “Opinions are like assholes. Everyone has one, and most of them are full of shit.”

So, how do we care less about them?

Letting go of opinions

Schopenhauer is clear that we shouldn’t care too much about other people’s opinions, saying:

To set much too high a value on other people’s opinion is a common error everywhere; an error, it may be, rooted in human nature itself, or the result of civilization, and social arrangements generally; but, whatever its source, it exercises a very immoderate influence on all we do, and is very prejudicial to our happiness.

Caring less about opinions begins with awareness. Schopenhauer tells us to see opinions for what they are: untrustworthy. They don’t deserve our attention, and that’s why we’re better off not paying attention to them, even though that’s sometimes very difficult to do.

Opinions can often be pleasant or painful. We therefore seek validation and try to prevent criticism. But seeing that both are often baseless might help us to temper our sensitivity to them. If not, we’ll become servants of what other people say and think. As Schopenhauer puts it: “The only way of putting an end to this universal folly is to see clearly that it is a folly.”

Seeing the folly of chasing external validation also means recognizing that pride, honor, rank, and fame have little value in themselves. They are not necessary for happiness. What other people think may seem supremely important to some, but according to Schopenhauer, it barely touches what truly matters. In certain professions or situations, a good reputation may be convenient or even necessary, but happiness does not depend on it.

Moreover, applause doesn’t get food on the table. Compliments don’t buy us anything. A pet on the head doesn’t pay the rent. External validation rarely adds real value to our lives, though it may seem so to those who care deeply about it.

Happiness is not found in the eyes of others; it lies within. And so, Schopenhauer urges us to focus on the first of Aristotle’s blessings of life: who we are, how we think and feel, and how we live our lives.

It means that we choose our partners out of genuine desire, not because they enhance our image. We pursue what we are passionate about, rather than what others consider interesting or prestigious. We buy stuff we genuinely want or need, not for showing off. And we find meaning in life that is truly our own, not meaning based on the expectations of others.

We choose for ourselves, not for the audience.